Stay-At-Home Dad: Compliments made complicated

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Updated: February 23, 2012 8:05AM

I need to be better at accepting compliments.

When someone says, “Hey, that shirt makes you look skinny,” all I hear is, “Every other shirt you wear makes you look fat.”

This is entirely a symptom of my own neuroses. I love hearing compliments, but I can’t help turning them into criticisms. This is particularly the case when it comes to parenting.

I’m very sensitive to critiques of my parenting. I hardly think I’m unique in this regard. Many modern parents dedicate so much time, effort and money toward raising their children that even a well-intentioned comment can be taken the wrong way.

Being a male primary caregiver further plays into my condition. I often wonder if moms would get the same feedback. Perhaps it’s best if I give a few examples:

What’s said: “Your boys are so well behaved.”

What I hear: “I expected your boys to be hooligans. How could a goofball like you raise a pair of sons who listen, take direction and respond politely?”

Rarely do these well-meaning commentators realize the strict set of rules and routines I’ve established to reinforce good behavior. Honestly, my parenting style is more Baron von Trapp than Hunter S. Thompson.

What’s said: “I wish I had your job.”

What I hear: “Raising kids is so much fun and easy. I wish I could do that instead of my uber-important, super-stressful career.”

My typical response is a subtle attempt to regain my dignity.

“Well, it’s certainly not an easy gig, but I do love my job,” I reply.

What’s said: “Your boys speak so well.”

What I hear: “I figured you and your sons would simply grunt and point at objects like a bunch of cavemen after The Wife left for work. So, I’m pleasantly surprised to hear your children speaking in full sentences.”

What’s said: “Is daddy taking good care of you today?”

This is often a compliment given by cashiers and strangers who spot me in public with the boys on a weekday afternoon. Of course they have no idea that I’m a stay-at-home dad. The assumption is that if I’m at the store when everyone else is working, I must have the day off. Or worse, I may be unemployed or divorced, spending my court-appointed week with my children.

“I take good care of them every day,” I reply.

What’s said: “I don’t know how you do it, man.”

This compliment comes almost exclusively from other guys. It’s intended as a nod toward the patience and dedication required of a primary caregiver. But it often sounds like I was forced to turn in my man card in exchange for becoming a stay-at-home dad.

“You could do it too, if the situation required it,” I reply.

My hope is that these guys realize that I don’t have some unique talent that allows me to raise children. I was simply up for the task.

Again, the folks who offer these compliments are well-intentioned. I simply read into things. It’s truly a sign of my own insecurities. I know I’m doing a good job raising my boys, but for some reason I search out these galling critiques.

On the other hand, I’d also be suspicious if I never received any compliments or feedback.

What is said: Nothing.

What I hear: I suck.

Howard A. Ludwig is a former SouthtownStar business writer who traded his reporter’s notepad for a diaper bag, becoming a stay-at-home dad. He can be reached at howardaludwig@yahoo.com