Stay-At-Home Dad: Out of the mouths of dads ...

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“Naptime is optional” is not something you’re likely to hear from stay-at-home dad Howard A. Ludwig. | Supplied photo

Updated: March 6, 2012 8:06AM

About 18 months ago, I wrote a column listing all of the things I find myself repeating every day. It was basically a list of daily naggings that most parents have on a running loop.

The list included reminders to wash hands after going to the bathroom and to say “please” when asking for something.

The column seemed to resonate with parents, which made me think about the other side of the coin — things I’d never say to my 4- and 5-year-old boys.

Admittedly, it’s sort of a goofy list and intended to be fun.

However, if you ever hear me utter any of these phrases, contact the authorities as my body has surely been taken over by aliens or I’ve simply lost my marbles. Here goes:

“Let’s see how long we can let those fingernails grow.”

“This is how to use a cigarette lighter.”

“These self-checkout lanes are so convenient, particularly when I have a cart full of groceries and two impatient children in tow.”

“I love being called ‘Mr. Mom.’”

“Naptime is optional.”

“This is how you use the remote for the TV.”

“You boys ate all of the fruits and veggies, again?”

“You don’t have to say, ‘please.’ A simple ‘gimme’ or ‘I want’ will suffice.”

“Let’s go without breakfast this morning.”

“I wish I knew how to spend all this extra money.”

“We’re on the highway now, so it’s OK to unbuckle your seat belts.”

“I can’t quite hear you. Can you please shout in my ear?”

“I’m not upset that you had an accident. I actually enjoy washing bedding at 2 a.m.”

“Peter, your morning breath smells wonderful.”

“Can someone point me to the milk aisle?”

“Thanks for the intel. I really appreciate a tattletale.”

“Who wants to have a swearing contest?”

“Tell your teacher to shove it.”

“Sharing is a sign of weakness.”

“The R-rated movie we’ve been wanting to see is playing at 10:30 p.m. Let’s bring the boys.”

“Go Cubs, Go.”

“Wanna hear a racist joke?”

“You don’t have to look both ways while crossing the street. Pedestrians have the right of way.”

“When it comes to breakfast cereal, the more sugar, the better.”

Howard A. Ludwig is a former SouthtownStar business reporter who traded his reporter’s notepad for a diaper bag, becoming a stay-at-home dad.

He can be reached at howardaludwig@yahoo.com.