Updated: September 5, 2013 6:16AM
Dear parents and guardians,
The faculty and staff eagerly await another wonderful school year. Actually, no one loves summer more than we do. But we’ve got bills to pay.
With that in mind, here’s a list of a few things your elementary school student will need for the upcoming year.
12 — sharpened No. 2 pencils. Do they even make any other kind of pencils? If you happen to find a No. 3 or No. 4 pencil, please bring it in so we can have a group discussion.
1 — pink “pearl” eraser. If used properly, you’ll never have to buy another one of these classic erasers in your lifetime.
1 — 12-inch ruler, metric on one side is no longer required. We’ve basically given up on that communist system of measurement. USA, USA, USA.
1 — container of fish food. Unless you want Goldie to starve.
5 — glue sticks, preferably lemon flavored. There’s always one kid who eats glue. We’re tired of fighting it.
1 — flash drive. And to the joker who sends his daughter to school with a floppy disc every year, good gag. But they won’t work — not even on our 10-year-old computers.
1 — marker and Tide pen combo pack. Problem meets solution in one bundle.
1 — iPhone 5. This isn’t actually a required school supply, but your teenager will try to convince you otherwise. Anyone remember when being cool meant wearing an IOU sweatshirt? Nowadays, a monthly data plan is required.
1 — 28 count box of crayons. We know crayons are commonly sold in groups of 24. This typo is meant to test parents. Will you look endlessly for a box of 28 crayons? Will you tape two more crayons to a box of 24? Will you send your child to school with two fewer crayons than what’s required? It’s all very telling.
1 — fat sack of cash. Due to budget cutbacks, we are asking parents to pay for teachers in what’s been labeled our “non-core curriculum.” So if you want your child to have art class, music lessons or gym, pony up.
2 — boxes of Clorox wipes with optional paper breathing mask. If you’ve ever been to school during flu season, you know why this is a requirement.
1 — hand sanitizer. See comments above.
2 — old magazines. Please no more industry magazines. Last year, we were forced to make collages from magazines written for prescription drug vendors and no-till farmers. The children were not enthused.
2 — boxes of Kleenex. In case we run out of toilet paper.
1 — paint shirt. Must be appropriate. Your old Big Johnson is not appropriate.
1 — pair of scissors, not plastic. Funny how these items aren’t allowed on an airplane, but they are standard issue for first graders.
1 — box gallon sized Ziploc bags. This is for a secret, government experiment. We cannot discuss the details.
Undoubtedly, there will be other needs that arise throughout the school year. We will be sure to keep you updated. The parents and guardians at our school have always been forthcoming.
Thanks for your ongoing support, and good luck finding those crayons.
Howard A. Ludwig is a former SouthtownStar business writer who traded his reporter’s notebook for a diaper bag, becoming a stay-at-home dad.
He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.