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Kadner: Sequestration vs. the Enterprise

The US Capitol WashingtDC is seen February 28 2013. Two competing bills aimed averting huge spending cuts failed February 28

The US Capitol in Washington, DC, is seen February 28, 2013. Two competing bills aimed at averting huge spending cuts failed February 28, 2013 in the US Senate, virtually assuring that the USD 85 billion in indiscriminate, across-the-board cuts known as the sequester will kick in after the March 1, 2013 deadline. AFP PHOTO / Saul LOEBSAUL LOEB/AFP/Getty Images

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Updated: April 4, 2013 6:37AM



Captain’s log: Star date 3320.13. We have entered uncharted territory known in The Federation as “the forbidden zone.”

(Red lights flash on the bridge of the Starship Enterprise and warning sirens wail.)

Captain Kirk: “What is it, Sulu?”

Sulu: “I’m not sure, sir. But I believe it’s ... ”

Science officer Spock: “Sequestration.”

Chekov: “I remember hearing about that at the academy. In Russia, they called it a capitalist doomsday invention.”

Kirk: “Put it on the screen. Let’s see what we’re up against.”

(An image of a swirling gray-black mass appears with lightning bolts of energy within its core.)

Spock: “An inert mass consisting of the economic energy of one of the greatest nations in the history of Earth legislatively contained with no method of release.”

Kirk: “Sequestration.”

Spock: “Precisely.”

Kirk: “Lt. Uhura, get me Starship Command, now!”

Uhura: “Sir, all lines of communication seem to be down. I can’t get anyone to talk to me.”

Spock: “That was the first symptom of Sequestration, according to historians. Interpersonal communication was completely disabled in Washington, D.C.”

Kirk: “Captain to engine room. Mr. Scott, all engines stop.”

Unknown young ensign (suddenly running wildly around the bridge): “I have got to get out of here. It’s going to destroy us.”

(Spock disables the man with the Vulcan grip.)

Kirk: “Dr. McCoy, come to the bridge at once.”

Chekov: “What if he’s right? No one has ever lived through Sequestration.”

Kirk: “Steady, Chekov.”

Sulu: “Sir, we’re still moving toward Sequestration.”

Kirk: “Scotty, I thought I ordered you to shut the engines down.”

Scotty: “Aye, captain, the engines are down.”

Captain: “Then reverse all engines. Get us out of here!”

Scotty: “I will not do it. It costs too much money to run these engines. If we don’t put an end to this, future generations will have to pay the tab.”

(Dr. Leonard McCoy enters the bridge.)

McCoy: “What in blazes is going on here, Jim? The entire crew seems out of their cotton-picking minds. And what is that ugly thing on the screen?”

Kirk: “That thing, Bones, is Sequestration.”

McCoy: “I didn’t think it actually existed.”

Kirk: “There are more things in heaven and earth, doctor, than dreamt of in your philosophy.”

Spock: “The second sign of the Great Sequestration in 2013 was irrational, debilitating panic. It was not logical.”

McCoy: “Logic? My God, the man’s talking about logic; we’re talking about universal Armageddon! You green-blooded, inhuman ... ”

(McCoy lunges at Spock and attempts to strangle him. Spock disables the doctor.)

Kirk: “People, get hold of yourselves. Perhaps we can negotiate with that thing.”

Spock: “This is precisely the way things played out in the beginning of your 21st century. Republicans and Democrats, two warring tribes of elected leaders, became so focused on destroying each other they invented Sequestration in a pitiful attempt to resolve their differences.”

Kirk: “A doomsday device.”

Spock: “Precisely.”

Sulu: “Sixty seconds until impact.”

Kirk: “Exactly what was Sequestration built to do, Spock? How does it work?”

Spock: “It was originally intended as an economic device, a method of ending gridlock over the debt ceiling and a way of potentially avoiding a massive economic collapse.”

Kirk: “It was an accounting tool?”

Spock: “Imprecise, but adequate.”

Chekov: “So what is the source of its power?”

Spock: “Interesting question. You could say it’s fear of the unknown. Its very existence was supposed to engender such terror that its implementation would be unnecessary.”

Kirk: “But they dared to stare into the abyss.”

Spock: “Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.”

Kirk: “I’m impressed. Vulcans know about Friedrich Nietzsche?”

Spock: “What doesn’t kill you ... ”

Kirk: “ ... makes you stronger.”

Spock: “Let’s hope that’s the case, captain.”

Chekov: “I don’t mean to interrupt, but we’re about to hit that castration thing.”

Kirk: “Sequestration thing, Mr. Chekov. Options, Mr. Spock.”

Spock: “We could blast it with phaser guns or put all of the ship’s remaining energy into our force fields and try to ride it out or ... ”

Kirk: “Or what?”

Spock: “Abandon ship.”

Kirk: “Not this captain.”

Spock: “I should note that when Sequestration was first created, as the deadline approached for its activation, that’s just what your political leaders did.”

Chekov: “Were they destroyed?”

Spock: “No. They simply left the nation’s Capitol and went home for the weekend.”

Kirk: “With no one to fear it, it had nothing to feed off of and simply vanished?”

Spock: “Not quite. Its intelligent design forbade it from harming any of its creators.”

Chekov: “Capitalist pigs!”

Spock: “However, it was constructed to inflict billions of cuts on less influential humans in a rather arbitrary fashion.”

(Sulu, Chekov and Uhura begin to scream in agony.)

Kirk: “What’s happening to them?”

Spock (checking a computer screen): “Chekov and Sulu have been hit with unpaid furlough days. Uhura is being terminated. Sequestration is using its weaponry.”

Kirk (singing): “Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream ... ”

Spock: “Sir?”

Kirk: “Singing lifts the human spirit, Mr. Spock. When you can’t make sense out of life, sing.”

Spock (after pausing in thought): “Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream.”

(Kirk and Spock continue to sing as members of the crew cry out for help.)

The End.



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